overwhelmed.

confused as hell.

i don't know wat i want.

why does everything contradicts in my head?
i'm thinking of one thing,
but doing another.

i'm looking at one thing,
and wanting another.

ppl say "you know yourself best".

why do i not seem to know myself at all?



i know we have to make decisions in life. we have to make choices. i hate to choose. cos if i don't have to choose, there won't be such a thing as "wrong choice/wrong decision" in life. i'm trapped.




complicated

on a roller coaster ride.

my emotions have been up n down the whole time...
i don't know where i am.

there's alot of things going through my head...
i don't know what comes first or last.

for once,
nothing came out of my mouth when i tried to speak.

i wanted to say something,
to say something more...

but i let my chance slipped away...




why does it feels like that past?
i don't want it that way...

recess is finally here, and i'm back in hall as usual. somehow i just feel better in hall than at home. in hall, i have my own table (clean n neat) my entertaining notice board, personalised wall, comfy bed, junk food, lappy, lots of clothes (cos i brought it all to hall), and i can walk along the corridor when i'm bored, look for my friends, entertainment within reach, and endless talk cok sessions. at home, the only super bonus is home cooked food, and perhaps air con. but with air con, my nose gets worse. so maybe i'll do better without it...

it's all nothing but slack, nua, slack n nua...

i tink i better start my work soon...

went to the beach with zhusiling yesterday. perfect. beach is all i need. let the waves crash on the breakwater, and crash on me. see the sun set in the distance. feel the sea water soaking up my feet. hear the innocent child's laughter. let my mind clear up...



but sadly.. it didnt really clear much... it jus put my heart at ease...

lead a brave and happy life.

that should be the main aim in everybody's life.




in life, there're just too many coincidence. and most often then not, we tend to miss the chances given to us all the time. perhaps i have not been given a chance, or a choice to choose. or perhaps it slipped away before i know it. perhaps remaining this way is good enough for me. or perhaps deep down my heart, it's desiring for more. it had come to a stage where i'm too afraid. i tink i'm too afraid i'll lose.

but that's life anyway. isnt it?




heart affairs aside.

stress level in school is increasing drastically (if it can even get any higher than this). i've survived a 1-quiz-per-week routine for the past 4 to weeks, and have sat for 5 quiz already. i would not say i've done well in them, but i feel i could at least clear them (barely there). i've been making a constant effort to do my tutorials (except for 1 really sucky module). yes it's painful, and i'm still as last minute as usual. rushing tutorials at the very last minute isnt a very pleasant thing to do. but i still do it anyway. i've been recieving tutoring session from david and shiangxin and xinda, and i'm very grateful for it. understanding the topic really helps. project is going on pretty smoothly, and i cant find much flaws on it. still, the workload is piling and i'm working my ass off to clear it.

not to forget leisure for myself. i simply cant work without leisure. dnd jus past, and that should mark a temp stop to shopping trips. jus had a feast at seoul garden to celebrate mr tay's birthday. had a bash session for dearest susanne cos it's her 21st birthday, her final yr in hall, and for the fact that she havent been bashed for the past 2 yrs in hall! haha.. it was a mild one anyway. but we had fun. =)

i love my life the way it is. perhaps better without all those stupid moodswings and the constant lack of sleep.




gone chasing cars. wasting time.
if i lay here,
would you lie with me and just forget the world?


dare you to move.

-PHYX-
-Hall X dnd 2006-

dnd is fun! especially when u go with a group of closies... hee.. from preparation to the night itself.. it's a wow. meiyue, jiayin, jill and i simply went on a shopping spree. bought alot of things.. from dresses to heels, accessories from head to toe, make ups, everything and anything u can think of. i love to dress up n be pretty.. =) it's one of those rare times u see me wear make up.. haha

we even tried to curl our hair.. but cos no time liao.. so i didnt managed to curl it.. but i tink i looked ok anyway.. =) everybody look pretty!!

look super alot of photos... yayness... i love photos... i've got near 7000 photos in my comp already... think it's gonna explode with photos soon... i need to burn them into a cd! hahahha

after all of us came back, we had tcs in liwei's room. so long nv have tcs le... sort of miss it.. esp when it's in a big group.. yea..

i really enjoyed myself last night.
a big thanx to everybody!




fuzzy

things are back to normal.
at least for now.




i don't wish for more.
i'm too afraid to wish for more.

jus be my friend.

i knew things will never be the same again,
and i won't hope for anything more.

no longer.

i've gotten over it,
or at least i hope i had.

i don't wanna think about it again.

that tiny hope was thrashed.
i fell down again.

so just let me lie here,
till the end of day.

don't wake me up,
until you're really sure.

i won't listen to anyone else,
not even my own heart.

cos each time i stood up,
i end up falling down again.

so jus let me lie here...




jus let me be...




"Happiness comes more from loving than being loved;
and often when our affection seems wounded
it is only our vanity bleeding.
To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again -
this is the brave and happy life."

why does it feel so farmiliar?
the same kind of feeling of hopelessness
like as if someone had jus abandoned me
like as if someone no longer loves me

it all amount to a big mountain obstructing my view

i can no longer look ahead
i'm at a lost.

too late?
or jus an illusion?




emo

last night, i was torn between 2 very impt dinner.

1) the band exco 05/06 dinner/debrief session at Singapore Swimming Club.
2) blk 50 bbq/drinks/games session

as for the exco dinner, everybody made it there. so i had no excuse to miss it. i went for it and had my dinner there. i later cab back to hall as i dun wanna miss the games/drinking session. i know it's gonna be a wild and fun night. i dun wanna miss them all. recently i've learnt to not drink so much. i've toned down alot as compared to last yr.

the exco had a treat from nicky (his aunt call him that. =P) haha... nicky = nicholas. yupp.. that's him alright.. haha.. the food wasn't good, service wasn't up to standard either. but well, at least the company was great! i love them all!!

cabbed back to hall with emmy n zb.. so that didnt burn that big a hole in my wallet.. hee.. on the way back, i recieved a phone call from jill.. she asked me to hurry back to hall.. ian is very high, and won't stop drinking. when i finally reached, jasen and sio were drunk already. most of them puked too... and the drinking continue on... i originally managed to skip the drinks and was already up at my room corridor, but freddie and jimmy had to call me down again.. saying.. wat.. nie teacehrs unite... crap! hahahah! everybody too high liao.. jimmy's also from nie.. den say wanna drink.. in the end, i was forced to drink 1 jiao bei jiu with ian.. 1 shot of pure black label. strongggg... so paiseh la.. so many ppl take photo somemore...

almost everybody in 4th floor puked and were quite gone and wasted.. accompanied ian till i dunno wat time.. 3+ or 4am ba.. before he finally get to sleep... aaron was also quite gone.. he hug the pail and fell asleep at the corridor.. and after that collapse on the floor at his door... went to roam around and see ppl play mahjong.. talk cok... talk all the way until 8 in the morning.. madness... yes... bbq is always like that.. haha.. the freshies slept quite early.. all cannot tahan already... seniors still the best.. =)

so many of them had hangover jus now.. all down with bloated stomach and throbbing headaches... and that's how the day ended.

it's been long since we got so high and wild... i wanna relax once more... i'm so tired of school work, tutorials, assignments, projects and quizzes... i wanna be free... i wanna be happie...

now in hall, my fei wen man tian fei already... everybody is speculating something is going to happen soon.. esp after that jiao bei jiu.. haha.. as for that, even i can't answer anything.. cos i'm as confused...

ppl say.. jiu hou tu zhen yan... issit really true? heh.. i wanna find out for myself...




i know
deep down..
i'm smiling...

why does heaven kept playing tricks on me?

there're just so much i wanna say...
perhaps it's all too late...



gone chasing cars..
wasting time...

i feel small.

i feel i cant accomplish anything.. nothing at all..



do you care?
-you know i want you to care?

went swimming jus now.. (to and fro = 1 lap) i swam 10 laps. *smiles*

i havent swam so much in a longggg time... need to work off some fats... gotta fit into nice dresses for dnd in 2 weeks time.. hee..

like wat shiangxin said to me.. perhaps i don't want regrets.. i'm unable to let go of band, and all the other things i've always loved doing. jus let me be me once more.

in band
the only time u can be free
the only time u can forget about exam stress
the only time you hear music from yourself

when u successfully played your part
you feel good about it
the audience appreciate it

your heart melts
your heart jumps to the beat
you get high and low at the same time
you get into the mood

i hope i wun regret my choice.




my views are changing
for the better

=)

make me a happie lil girl..

i only wanna be happie and carefree.
i can be.

just smile...
a lighter heart...

bought new creative speakers! yay! lime green.. not me? i dun care.. i'm trying out new colours in my room, and lime green is a good catch! =)

wanted to buy ipod nano. but was awoken by the fact that i'm on a saving plan... i should save instead of spending it on something which is not a necessity. anyway, the speakers only cost me 29 bucks. so it ain't that bad. i'm not broke or anything like that. ipod nano cost 299... oh my..

i'm now pretty sure of my decision, and the direction i wanna go. jus 1 more yr to go... jus one more yr of commitment... 1 more yr of havoc, fun, and work... by the time i reach yr 3, i doubt i can go on being as involve as i would like to in anything at all. with practicum coming up, i can no longer do wat i want in yr 3 and be crazy and wild.

so i'm probably taking up financial controller in band afterall, and if possible, some major hall activities like hall prod, love bites, and IHG, Xplat, FOC, or some recre events like dance (if they still have it. and then i'll be occupied all over again.

was abit disappointed to know that i didnt pass the 1st cal 2 quiz.. oh well, i was never good in my studies.. i should not have expected to do well at all even though i studied this time round. i changed for the better... did tutorials and all... i hope it all helped...




smile and take things as they are..
it'll all be fine..

wouldn't it?