and i'm on my own again..

and back to wat i used to be...




things still went the wrong way
till there's no point of salvage.

and so perhaps ending was the best option out.




we took the best option out.




and no looking back.
no more dearie.

do i mean a thing to you?



i tink i don't.



i'm so disappointed.
so upset.

shadows bleeding through the light
where a love once shined so bright.

when i need you
you're almost here
and i know that's not enough
but when i'm with you
i'm closed to tears
cause you're only almost here.

only almost here.




~"almost here", by brian mcfadden and delta goodrem

some words lost their way...
they went unspoken..

again.



i didnt know words could get lost in my mouth. i thought i didnt have any histories on any problem with speech. not referring to talking in front of a group of course. but.. i'm seriously in quite a bad state now.



sometimes.. i wish... i wish i knew what i want...

but i don't know... i...



i'm lost.
completely.

i'm glad i made the move.
i finally cleared the air.
i'm finally talking.
talking without butterflies in stomach.

so much time was wasted.
all because i couldnt let go.
i kept holding on to the past.
something that nv exist.

i did not move on at all.
i took so long.

i almost caused you to lose a friend.
and i almost lost a friend as well.

it was a hard decision.
i thought i'd nv forgive and forget.

but i gave in.

you got your friend back.

your efforts paid off.
prayers answered.
don't make the same mistake again.
i won't give in twice.



at least you're now happie for me
and the life i'm leading.

i'm happie too.
i have dearie with me.




i took a yr.
at least it's better den nv.




n i'm thankful.

i feel.
and i feel it with my heart.



why do i suddenly say that?

it's 5am in the morning, and i just finish rushing an essay due in a while. it's an essay on moral education, and how educators like us should go about nurturing students moral qualities. to me, the one and only way, and the best way, is to get the students to feel, and feel with their heart. as their teacher, i would go the extra mile to constantly remind them various social issues and scenarios and ask them to put themselves in the other party's position. only when they fully understand the plight of the other party, only will they they also fully understand the need for their act of kindness for them.

other then lies told to my parents for my own convenience, i'm safe to say that i haven't done anything against my own morals.




because i feel it with my heart.

there you go. a photo of xplat participants from blk 50! hugggge block of participants. haha.. everybody too gian already. and so we have the joanna, james, and cheow gim in the army group. kenny, tzeqi, jiaying, ivan (i tink) and baozeng in the sailormoon group. liwei, thomas, lynno, vril vril and liya in the bomberman group. aaron, sio, meiyue, connie and khung xing in the piggy group. alex, leonard, daniel, jean and nortilla in the body parts group. jasen, jill-porkie, ian darling and i in the nua group. and there's wenjun in front who didnt join the game, but tehre as social sub-commer. we're 1 big family!

i love blk 50!

nua kia!

jasen called our xplat team the "nua kias".

and as nua as we can be, we went in, conquered, and won the best team!




this showed something. we can be nua, but we can win. so being nua may not be a bad thing.. heh heh...




xplat is super fun! more fun than last yr i would say.. or rather, it have different type of fun.. last yr was jus plain firing at the opponents, no contact as there's a middle line we cant cross over, and a total different objective. last yr we were supposed to get this box from the centre.. the team who gets it first wins. so we jus keep firing at the other team at whoever going for the box.. haha... we have 50 or 100 paint balls.. i cant remember how many.. but it's alot.. and we got alot of shots too.. i still remember i had one shot in the neck, one at my shoulder, and the rest on my hands... and super alot of blue black the next day.

this yr, the team consist of ian darling, ruishen, jill-porkie, jasen, and i. the guys played with strategies, while me and jill nua behind them.. haha.. they wanted to shoot both of us down first so that we won't have a chance to be blur n shoot them in the back.. but at the end of all 3 games, they said we played well! i'm glad.. =) jill took a head shot for jasen, jasen fired 3 head shot at the opponent team and took the flag in the 2nd game, dearie shot down the balloon in the 1st game and suffered 2 close shots, ruishen took the flags at the 2nd n last game and took alot of shots, while i blur blur also can took a flag in the last game. haha... all in all, it's a good game played. didnt managed to fire alot of shots, and of all the shots i fired, i missed them all.. lol.. looks like i cant aim for nuts.. hahahhaa...





all the mid-term tests and quizzes finally came to a short stop. i believe i didnt do well in any of the 3 i took last week. oh well, it's over already. no point dwelling over it also.. jus make sure i do ok for the rest to come i hope... exams are coming veri soon, and lessons are going to stop, study break coming, all fun and leisure stoping too. and veri soon, the first sem of my 2nd yr is going to come to an end, as i progress slowly up the education system... i miss those carefree days... where i spent time at playgrounds running around playing catching, running around blocks playing block catching and hide and seek, run in the rain without troubles. now, i'm plague by exams. poor dearie pok also have alot of stuff to do... plus he have his fyp, so that makes it much more things to do as compared to me. well, i have to admit i have super alot of cca commitments too. we hardly have time for each other. band prac stopped for exam break. i hope i have more time now... and hopefully more time for dear after exams. i still wanna go out with my closies, esp zhusiling... miss her loads...





time is catching up on me... there's simply no time to slack. had a nightmare the other night... hope it won't come true.




bless me.
don't leave me.

not so emo already.

feel so much better. =)

i'm feeling so emo.

too emo for words.




i dunno wat i'm feeling, nor wat's causing the emo. just know i feel this way. and i hate it this way. i wanna smile the way i always do.

but now, i feel the whole world is crashing down, and i'm still lost for words. i feel so helpless, just feel like crying. issit wat u call pms? hope i'll recover by tmr... or i'll just drown myself in beer if the group of us decide to go drinking after dinner tmr.




too emo for words. really.

being attached is a whole new thing to me. i wouldnt imagine myself holding hands in public, hugging in public, having to let my other half know where i am or he'll get worried when he cant find me in my room, spending time with my other half.... n so on...

but i'd say i'm getting used to it. and sometimes some of these actions can be pretty sweet. =)

perhaps i've been single all my life till recently, or perhaps i was just too used to being on my own. but knowing that u have someone around is definitely a good thing. n i'm not complaining.

sometimes there's a whole load of things that i feel inside... i just don't know how to put them to words. sometimes i really wanna spend time together... but i can't find time anywhere... i wanna go for a movie.. go for a meal out.. a day of fun.. perhaps even shopping? a walk down sheares bridge, or maybe a trip to the beach... if only i have all the time in the world.. i'd want all these to be fufilled.

but of cos, it can only be wishful thinking on my part.




cos i know i'd never have all the time in the world.




i jus want u to know..
you mean the world to me..

everybody says my blog sounds really depressing.
it's filled with nothing but sad entries,
depressing stories from my life,
issues of things which didnt go well,
sad encounters,
baddd memories of life,
meeting the wrong person in life,
falling in love at the wrong time,
falling out of love,
failing exams,
being sick,
and alot more depressing issues... ...

but.. this is jus another side of me which you ppl don't get to see. simply because i don't portray myself as a pessimistic person, but instead, a lifely and always smiling n cheerful girl. everybody have their downs. and it all depends whether they show it or not. for me, i like to remain happie on the outside, so that i don't have to put in too much effort to frown. however, in blog, you have the freedom to write whatever you feel. i choose not to bottle them up, that's y i chose to blog it down. that's y it always sounds so depressing, and that my life do not have a single happie event to share.

well, jus to let you guys know, my life is not just about unhappy stuff yea? even though i have 3 quiz this week, even though i know i'm doing badly in both calculus, even though i know i have alot of deadlines to meet... i know i always have something happie to share, and will always have someone to be there for me..

this may come as a shock to some of you...

i'm attached.



to ian.



dearie.. you gave me a perfect reason to smile...

no matter wat happened in the past, i only hope that i can be happy now.

i hope it's not just wishing thinking on my part, but yesterday when i saw him, i no longer have the butterflies in the stomach feeling. i no longer feel as awkward and stump by words. i can have a conversation without feeling weird. better this way isnt it? less miserable on my part too.

life has never been better.

n i'm glad for it.




jus received double combo during math tutorial. i dunno whether to be happie or upset. i scored full marks for one module's quiz, but failed below average/boderline for another module's quiz. well... at least i scored well for one. n i should be glad for it too. time to move on. study!!




smile for a good cause. =)

i was packing my house room table jus now. my goodness.. i didnt know that i have so much rubbish stacked up layers by layers... i threw away more than 50% of the things i saw on my table and under my table. it was a massive mission i would say.. haha.. i havent touch it since A'levels ended... which is approximately 2 yrs ago... cos after A's, i wouldnt need to do anymore work.. besides, i went to work for the 8 months of hols, and than stayed in the hostel for a yr plus.. so anything that i have at home, i jus stacked it up on my table, on top of a plie of forgotten mass (or mess).

this is wat i found:
1) all my O'level n A'level certs on my chair.. it was still nicely packed in a file cos i used them for interviews for entrace to uni.. and it sat on my chair ever since then.

2) a pooh bear tin with 3 hand made rose from junyang. that was a long long time ago thing...

3) lots of sushi tei notes thrown all over the table..

4) little cards i made for my 1st 3 months class which i nv managed to give it to them (i cant remember the reason y)

5) cards n notes from my teachers to remind me nv to give up.

6) lots of photos fallen off (due to dried up scotch tape)

alot alot of other misc stuff... and if i list them all out, it'll reach over 100... i threw over 8 bags of stuff... told u it was a massive pack-up..

lastly, i found a stick on note pad from moe career booth some time back. on the cover of the pad, it says:

The Starfish story
As an old man walked the beach at dawn, he noticed a boy ahead of him picking up starfish and flinging them into the sea. Finally catching up with the boy, he asked why he was doing this. The answer was that the stranded starfish would die if left until the morning sun. "But the beach goes on for miles and there are millions of starfish," said the old man. "How can your effort make any difference?" The boy looked at the starfish in his hand and then threw it safely in the waves. "It makes a difference to this one," he said.

after glancing at the story, i suddenly remembered why i wanna teach. i wanna make a difference. be it 1 student, 2 students, or a class of 40 students, as long as i'm willing to try, to teach, i can make a difference in their lives. i had inspiring teachers in my lives too. and i'm really grateful for them. without them, i wouldn't be who i am today.




anyway.. now, my table finally has some visible space. my chair is cleared of notes. my floor is cleared of rubbish dumped overtime. it's neat! haha...



a series of events happened the past week. i had my fair share of ups n downs. at least i think that things are finally going the right way, and i'm finally slowly putting down the emotional baggage in me, despite how much i said i've gotten over it in the past (cos it still weighs me down sometime.)

-if only time stops at this very moment. i'd be a very happie girl...



teach.
inspire.
make a difference.

came back from starlight cinema about an hour ago... didnt go home cos i'd probably be slaughtered alive.. heh.. it ended near 1am.. so me n jill faked some reasons n came back to hall instead...

kkj was gooooood... except for colin's mic being a little on the soft side, all the other factors were pretty fine.. we enjoyed the songs.. =) way to go....

MI2 and MI3 were way too complicated for me.. i was lost for more than 75% of the movie... poor ian had to explain to me every little detail... soorie! well.. partly cos i was stoning also.. maybe tired from watching 2 movies straight.. and for the fact that ktv was before the movie.. yea.. tired eyes... but overall movie was enjoyable.. =) hehe..

gastric for me is getting from bad to worse... i badly need to see a doctor tmr.. it had been gastric for 3 consecutive days... pls don't tell me it's some gastritis shitty thingy again... i hate it.. gastric gastric... go away...




perfectly sweeeeet.