so where should i start from?

it's been 2 weeks since i last blogged, and so many things happened since then. that day, i tried to smile, but all that came out were nothing but tears... i guess i was too stressed. i should learn to relax, and take everything 1 step at a time. maybe also because everything came at the same time, saffocating me, making it hard for me to to do basic logic reasoning. friends, family, others, others, and others, and others... ...

but at the same time, i learned alot.




needless to say, concert Sojourn 2007 was a blast! we all played okay i believe, and i think i didnt make any major mistakes too. and there were games, drinking and taking photos after the concert, and of cos, some emo moments too.

was actually comtemplating whether to stop going for band prac after sojourn, cos i wanted to focus more on my studies. i know deep down my heart that band isnt the factor affecting my studies, and stopping band won't really help much, it somehow puts my heart more at ease knowing that i have more free time on hand. it's also because i cant make it to the next special project (due to my teaching practice) which i believe they are going overseas (probably japan), i see no reason in staying for band prac. on another hand, i was caught in a dilema simply because i know that since i joined the committee, i have the responsibility to carry out my duties till due date. but still, there's alot of other factors to consider.

had a talk with adeline, and i'm staying for band pracs. and i'll learn to manage my time all over again.




"we all choose our own paths in life" - Zhang 2007

is letting go the only solution? can i not be bothered about it? i hate to think about it.




another thing on my mind... learning to treasure and love those that are around is important. do we all not know what trust is? must we wait till one loses another before we learn to treasure what we once had? i don't want to live my life with regrets.

anyway, i'm glad things are taking a turn for the better. and lets just pray it stays this way.




1 more depressing thing.
i.lost.my.anklet. AGAIN!!!

bahhh... i seriously have no idea when or how i lost it... all i know that it's no longer on my ankle... =( no fate with anklets. i'm sad...

now, everyweek is like a routine... monday is to gather and watch hanakimi and the 10pm show, den do tutorials (if i'm still awake), tuesday is for tutorials, wed is for band, thurs is for outing with 3rd floor girls, and fri is for resting. sat is for going home, and sun is family day. and another week is over, and it all comes back to watching hanakimi together in my room. xinyi is moving out real soon... gonna miss her real bad... hai... and now, the only thing that can really make me laugh until i roll over is when i'm watching hana kimi, or reading the comic book. it somehow cheers me up too...

went on a shopping spree on sunday with my sis... bought lots of stuffs! haha... and now i'm declared bankrupt.. lol... cny is coming, and i seriously need to lose some fats so that i can look better in the dress i just bought... bahhh... exercise!!!

recently very ai mei (vain) also... took a sudden interest in double eyelid, hence jiayin and i went to get those stickers that can be pasted on the eye so that when eye opens, it gives a natural double eyelid look. looks even better and bigger with eye liner drawn! haha... i'm so excited over it, but yet no occasion to draw my eyes... haha... i sure don't wanna go to school with eyes drawn.. ppl might just start laughing till they collapse die.. haha... i think it look exaggerating too... oh well... haha..

work is going on alright so far, except for the stupid computational maths tutor who keeps talking to himself, and failing to check if we actually understand a single thing he's doing... i hope someone can start to enlighten me, or start getting me interested in his lesson so that i won't start sleeping or doing other things on hand...

meanwhile, rest rest rest... i need all the sleep... best is to do tutorial, sleep, wake up, eat, exercise, do tutorial, eat, sleep... yupp.. that's the way... hahahhaa....




and last but not least, a very happy birthday to the following ppl!!

26th jan - fungshin
28th jan - bro!
geri
livia
lena

and of cos, a happy 21st to geri, liv, and lena!! =)




all the world's a stage,
and all men and women are merely players.

me? just another player?
an insignificant player?

lessons have been going on as per normal, with the ever-so-cold tutorial rooms, and the lecture theatres... life is getting mundane...

concert is in a few days time... totally insane... whatsoever things... so nice yet so tiring to perfect it... i feel my lips abandoning me... and for the past few days, i'm attending band pracs, band pracs, and more band pracs... and all that's in my head is nothing but band music... watsoever things and spartacus and el camino real to be exact... i'm tired... but yet so wanting to play it well... just a few days more... i'll try...




i cant pretend nothing happened... and i still seemed to mind it alot. you too.. aren't you?




whatsoever things....
literally...

nostalgic

like as if a million things just flashed before my eyes...
yet i've no idea what is going through my head.

i think it's gotta do with the music.
slow and sad.
makes me think about stuff.

i suddenly miss the old times...
esp the times when jocelyn, jill, lynn and i were in a world of our own,
where we didnt have to worry that one day,
we'll have to part,
or one day,
we'll be stuck in a situation where we worry about leaving anyone out.

the times we had so much fun together,
yes just the 4 of us.




recently i'm just so uptight about anything concerning my results, my future, my schoolwork, or anything along that line. so much so that i tend to get snappy when anyone steps beyond just asking about my results. but i know they are all words of concern, and i appreciate them all. i know all of you cares, i know u guys are worried for me, but just give me this one last chance. give me this last chance to prove myself once again. i won't waste it.

and to zhusiling,
as much as i treasure my results, my future,
i treasure your words
and i treasure you

as a friend. a jie mei.



please don't ever feel that you're left behind in anyway. cos we didnt leave you behind.




i'm sorry.
sorry i flared up at your kind words the other day.



somehow
i find myself in tears again....





and that would be the post 2 days ago. havent been able to log in to blogger due to some network problem... feeling better now already.

had a cute further organic chemistry lelcturer, so that made things alot better. better than staring at some old boring lecturer who is hardly audible no matter where you are sitting in the class. oh well, he better be a nice person... classes have been going on smoothly so far, and no much hiccups yet.

had a lunchtime concert jus now in the afternoon at canteen A. that means that the real concert is coming up real soon. concert is going to be next sat. hope everything goes on smoothly...

put on half pay again. that means i really need to save more, and no more spending on unnecessary wants. either that, or give tuition to cover my wants.

still, everything is so far so good. i don't deny that there a couple of times where i really find the journey very hard to continue on, where i just feel like quitting everything, let go of this huge load in me... where i just feel like finding a corner, sit and cry, and not be bothered with anything around me. but i'm not going to do that. i'm going to be strong. i will get through this.




come what may

to start with something happy, i jus wanna say that my christmas and new yr is well spent. spent most of the time at home with my parents, back to those days i greet my dad at the door when he comes back from a day of work... where i have dinner with my family.. where i wake up in the morning and have breakfast with my dad, and going shopping with them... it feels really really good.

spent new yr's eve out with zhusiling, jill and christine after dinner with my parents at chinatown. went to orchard and shop a little, then sat and chat at coffeeclub, then countdown, then slept over at zhisiling's house. it's been so long since i last met up with her... miss her loads... the meet up was great! with all the laughing and the bullying... it was great fun! =)

spent christmas day with junyang. a very special person whom i have not met up and caught up with for a yr... a yr seem so fast, yet slow at times... thanx for the gift.. cos i really liked it... will like to meet up more often this yr when we have the time...

it's always nice to know that your friends are still living well. thurs is hongxing chalet... so that means i'm gonna meet up with the nie peeps... yay! stayed in hall so much that i hardly met up with them during this hols... looking forward to the chalet...

tmr i'm gonna meet the sub dean... hope all goes well for me...




hopeful

a new yr
a new start

that was what i said last yr, wishing for 2006 to be a better yr as compared to 2005. and now here i am, wishing for 2007 to be much better than 2006. there were simply too much ups and downs, even till the last hr of 2006.

looking back, i tink that 2006 is a year of more sadness and depression and unhappy events rather than happy events worth celebrating or mentioning.




i started off the year in a depression state of mind. not wanting to think about anything else, not looking forward to the new yr, not knowing what to expect for the new yr. and i didnt get any better until mid of the year.

i faced many dilemas... i moved room, yes, just 2 doors down. but at that time, moving 2 doors down seemed so difficult, because i was unable to let go of everything that happened, and everything that was there in the room. but i eventually shifted. thought i could get over things, but things just gets tougher as the days went by... i picked up drinking after hall bash in january, and went drinking occasionally ever since then. but i didnt get drunk. not at all.

i began to occupy myself with by joining alot of activities, be it in hall or in band. performed a number of times in just yr 2006 alone. first was sojourn 2006, then exxon mobil lunchtime concert, then string orchestra concert at jubilee hall, followed by reel in at acs barker concert hall, millenia walk band gig on the christmas, and last but not least, the brass ensemble gig recently at tanglin mall. and there was lovebites 06, nie foc, hall foc, and all the other minor minor activities here and there.... most of it took place in the first half of the year.

i read back the archives in my blog, and realised how depressed i was. i had a lonely valentines day, and suddenly recalled spending half of every day in tears. but i soon got over it...

went for a genting trip with the band ppl! my first ever overseas trip with friends! and that totally brought my mood up. and that was when i got over the last heartbreak...

joined the hongxing gang, and that made school life a hundred times more interesting than it used to be. i remember myself being a different me, especially during chemistry classes. i walk in and out of lessons alone, being late for more than 90% of the lesson with a couldnt-be-bothered attitude. but now, lesson is much more interesting with friends around. for chem, i have david, geetha and shaz... for math, i have the rest of the hong xing! i no longer walk alone. i know i'll have them with me... and so the real me finally showed. the crazy cheerful me. =)

but there were downs too. esp when results were out. passed all my modules in the 2nd sem of yr1, but failed 2 mods in the 1st sem of yr2. and so i ended up in tears again. i tried my best. took up advice to not give up trying. and will still continue to work even harder for better results next sem. thanx all who were there.

foc was a blast i would say... hall foc especially. that was also where a whole new episode of drama began. 2nd half of the yr was a much better one than the 1st half. but it was also inevitable for me to experience my downs. i fell in love, but soon out of love. managed to get over that whole episode just before the exam period.

post exam activities were filled with IHG training and matches. trained hard for softball, but we lost. the days spent in the rain, in the mud, training hard for our upcoming matches...the days spent washing muddy shoes and muddy clothes... the time spent scrubbing mud off our hands and legs... the bonding, the smiles, the cheering, the taste of sweet victory, and also, the taste of bitter losing matches... deep inside my heart, i wanna thank all the softball girls and our trainers for being part of this whole event. deeply touched by the way all of us played our hearts out for the game... in all our hearts, we already won the game.





anyway, on the whole, i'm a happier person... might not have sounded very much happier on my blog, but i'm definitely happier as a person out of my blog. so i should just keep it this way and look forward to my everyday. at the same time, i'll also learn to cherish my love ones around me... both family and friends.





so...

a new yr...
and it will be a great start.




no matter what happens in the future
i shall live my life with sanguinity